The color blue...

As I sat on the deck outside my parents house reading with a glass of wine in hand, and I began to question my callings in life. I felt, in that moment, that it would be nice to be normal. To have a job, a house, a wife, kids... I almost felt bad for letting the thoughts slip into my stream of consciousness. It was the first time in almost two years that something like that had crossed my mind. I don't know what it was. I just started thinking, "what if?" What if God hadn't been working inside of me for years, subtly letting me know that it wasn't necessary to settle for the status quo? What if I could forgo my passion for the poor, get a nice cushy accounting job, and buy a nice house with a deck and lawn furniture? What if I wasn't suppose to live a different kind of life?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I'm not even going to hypothesize as to why, at this moment in my life, I'm even asking them. I do not know the answers, but I do know why I ask. I ask because that is what I do. I ask. I question everything. I always have. Questioning is healthy. Only truth withstands questioning. I suppose questioning God's plan is part of that too.

I've known I was called to something different than most people for a while now. I still don't know quite what that calling is... I happy to be different. I'm happy to be monetarily poor if that's what it means for me to follow Christ. I know that being poor is not the only way. I know that there will be plenty of accountants in heaven, but I can't reconcile that with my desire to help people. I can't let it go! There is no other reason for me to feel directly connected to starving peoples around the world other than that their creator is loving through me! I want to pursue closeness with Him so that the passion I feel for the "least of these" might only grow stronger!

Anyway, I guess that's all I have for tonight. I'm gonna get some rest I think. Perhaps I'll do some journaling... Oh and if you're wondering about the title of this post, there is no meaning to it... I was just going to call it blue because I'm fond of the color but I thought "The color blue..." was much more mystical:-)

D